Do You Know The Two Most Important Decisions You Make When You Meet Someone New?
I am reading a book called Presence by Amy Cuddy. Presence is a very enjoyable book and with each chapter, I am learning.
One of the things that Amy teaches is that when we meet someone new we often very quickly analyze them. In order to this analysis we answer two questions.
The first question is: Can I trust this person?
This question provides us with information about the person’s warmth. Is the person friendly? Are they honest? Remember pre-historic men had to survive and if they could not trust the person next to them it was game over.
The second question is: Can I respect this person?
This question establishes the other person’s competence. Is this person skilled? Are they creative? Back to prehistoric man, can this person help me by hunting down an animal, or am I mostly on my own.
The moment we meet someone new we classify them into one of these two labels. Either they are trustworthy but competent OR are they not trustworthy but competent.
Pause for a moment and ask yourself which of the two do you prefer for others to think of you?
You would think that for these we would measure them equally. OR why can’t a person be both trustworthy and competent?
The process to decide this would take you much longer and by that time you would have been killed by an untrustworthy but very competent enemy.
Of course, the goal is for you to be evaluated over time as trustworthy and competent BUT that process happens over time. BUT what is interesting is that since we do not value these two traits equally, we consider the trust dimension to be more important.
Imagine a situation in which you meet a new person. The conversation starts and all of a sudden instead of sharing the talk time, the other person starts using 90% of the talk time. The question you should ask yourself is, “Is this person trying to convince me that they are trustworthy or competent?” Most often they are trying to convince you that they are competent.
Or maybe they offer to teach you something. This would be another example of the competence dimension.
Imagine another situation in which you meet a new person. The conversation starts and all of a sudden the other person starts bringing up people that you might know. The question you should ask yourself is, “Is this person trying to convince me that they are trustworthy or competent?” Most often they are trying to convince you that they know the same people that hopefully you trust and transfer that trust to them.
Or maybe they do a good deed for you for no reason. They want to be trusted.
Most people when asked the question of which of the two do you prefer for others to think of you them answered with competence. They want others to think of them as competent.
Why?
In our world, competence is much more easily measured. Every year at work you are, somewhat subjectively, evaluated on your performance. This measurement is concrete and you can improve it if you chose.
However, we want others to be trustworthy and warm.
What most people miss is that trust is a powerful form of influence. It doesn’t matter how good your ideas are OR even how competent you are, if the team does not trust you. The might follow your advice because of your competence BUT not because they trust you.
I believe that many people who are very compenant have been fired from roles in which they were very good BUT were not trusted by the people above them. I know I was fired from a senior manager role when I inherited a completely incompetent boss. He was incompetant and could not be trusted. He saw me as a threat because I was competent and trusted and guess what…he looked for a way to fire me. Ultimately he succeeded.
I believe that the lesson to learn is to go into any engagement looking for an opportunity to build the trust over time. Same thing with competence. If you come off as a know it all you might not fit the trust culture you are trying to enter. In two words: proceed slowly.
People will judge you and that will happen quickly. BUT put yourself in a position to over time build the trust and confidence. To become the “lovable star”.
My four cents…
